I am puke
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
