I wish I could teleport
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
