I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
