if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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