I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
