I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
