My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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