she was so not down for the gang bang
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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