It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
