I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
