and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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