Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
