some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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