it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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