I wish my penis had an off switch
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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