please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
