I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
