Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
