new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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