She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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