im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
cat food counts as protein by the way
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
