You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
