So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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