My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
