i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
