then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
