I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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