The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Randomize
