life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
