apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
