i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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