Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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