Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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