My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
this is an emotional support booty call
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
