took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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