Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think I sprained my soul last night
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
