so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
