even my farts smell like vagina
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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