It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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