I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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