Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I have aggressive nipples.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
