Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
