i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
