hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
