I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
