Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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