...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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