Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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