Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
