I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
