Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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